there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
