I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
