we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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