best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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