i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
