I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
