I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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