i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
