I faked an abortion last night.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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