i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
