Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
