sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
