Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize