Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
