Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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