The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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