You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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