why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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