she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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