Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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