Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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