how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drake has all the answers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
