May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
