apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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