i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize