May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize