He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
