It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize