I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
