Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
