I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
