I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
