So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
