I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
