Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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