Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
