I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
