I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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