i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
