Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Maybe he injected his testicle?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
