I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
