I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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