Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
