My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
