i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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