The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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