my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
