my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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