The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
