I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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