my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
