I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
