Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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