nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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