Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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