i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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