I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
