My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
