i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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