If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
