my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize