Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
