The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
